Day 13
Issue a public apology.
I love the smell of lavender and vanilla. It makes me happy. It brings a permi-smile to my face, and recalls memories of my mother and of my silly youth. The baby lotion, the body soaps, the candles that almost never get lit these days. All of them smelling in some way of lavender or vanilla. All of these things being made to feel like an extension of myself through their smell… as if I could bestow just a little bit of me onto my things and my babies through these lovely scents.
Where are you going with this Kelly? Well, here it is…
To my kids, my husband, my loved ones… everyone who comes into contact with me while I’m deep in thought. A thought or memory that has been sparked as I very strangely sniff my scarf, or jacket, or child’s head… I’m sorry that I’m a bit neurotic, that I sometimes have no filter and at other times seem too reserved.
I feel very deeply, I connect very strongly and I compete very forcefully. So sometimes, my emotions are not in the moment, they are very far away. Recalling the years of struggling with fertility, of anger in my marriage, of frustration in the work place. Years of memories that sometimes come
flooding back so forcefully that they take my breath away.
And all because of a simple smell.
To my children, I’m sorry I will that I will always shove a camera in your face, and will constantly tell you
no.
wait, yes.
wait, no…
because really, I’m just trying to roll with this whole thing the same way you are.
And to my husband, my rock, my eternal love.
I’m sorry it took me so long to realize that it’s not always good, better or best, but simply different. That you love in your own special way that not even a love language can properly describe. I’m sorry it took me so long to get over the infertility issues even with a bouncing baby boy in my arms, and that I let the fear of birthing more multiples rule my emotions for a time.
Just know, that I love you.
Always. And, with all my heart.
just love
//kelly
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